


monophobia

by notabully



Series: Our Fears [1]
Category: Blue Lock (Manga)
Genre: ARIEL WHY ARE YOU BIG BRAIN, Angst, Breakups, Established Relationship, HAHAHHAHAH, I hate it here, M/M, RYE IS BACK AT THEIR BULLSHIT, SO DOES KUON, check notes for tw, i hate everything, i hate kuon, no beta whats a beta, um, what, what did I create, what the fuck, what the fuck is this, what the fuuuuuuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27050602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notabully/pseuds/notabully
Summary: Monophobia (n.) - the fear of staying alone.***It was all counted and predicted long ago. Every fight, every compliment was calculated. Thankfully, Raichi was predictable. Predictable enough to narrow down to one pattern. Get together - fight - get together. The boy was… scared of staying alone. Scared enough to hold onto someone who didn’t even matter. Someone like Kuon.“Hey, Wataru… am I calculated too?”
Relationships: Kuon Wataru/Raichi Jingo, Kuon Wataru/Shidou Ryuusei
Series: Our Fears [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1978003
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	monophobia

**Author's Note:**

> major tws:  
> death  
> suicide  
> panic attacks
> 
> minor tws:  
> breakups  
> existentialism  
> emeto

**Raichi: hey babe where u at (19:45)**

**Raichi: hey? (19:50)**

**Raichi: are u ok (19:50)**

Kuon stared at the screen of his new phone for a few seconds, then turned it off. The phone was a gift, a gift from Raichi, no less, but Kuon felt no need to repay for it. He persuaded and Raichi obeyed. It was a simple cycle of taking and giving. 

**Raichi: did you forget or something (19:53)**

Raichi gave Kuon goods, and Kuon gave Raichi affection. 

At times. 

Now was not the “time”, though. Now he was at some bar, unsure even where exactly, with the person that he  _ actually liked _ , drinking some weird shit yet enjoying it. 

**Raichi: If you are reading this, I won’t hesitate to punch you if I see you again. (19:51)**

The music was loud, making his liver dance along in a vibrating scream. He felt his breath stutter and gasped for air, the pumping of his insides in unison with the terrifying stepping of the beat striking him out of his thoughts and leaned on the counter, trying to recollect. Breakdowns like this were random, and definitely shitty, but passed by quickly. 

He was suddenly all alone, tet-a-tet with the monstrous sound. 

Until something tugged on his shoulder and dragged off into the bathroom. 

Kuon blinked a few times, returning to reality. The yells and the beat were still heard, but weren’t as pressing. He looked around, acknowledging his surroundings, and lifted his head to face Ryuusei, the one who apparently dragged him off and was now staring at him with his yellow, beautiful yellow eyes in a… worried expression?

“Are you all good? I don’t want you to have a blackout in the middle of our fun.”

Kuon pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m all good, it’s just…”

“Just what?” Ryuusei tilted his head. 

“It’s our anniversary today.”

The music stopped. The yelling stopped. Now it was only this bathroom. 

“But we aren’t even dating.”

Kuon sighed. “Not  _ our _ , the other our.”

“Oh. Huh.” Ryuusei paused. “Huh?! Why are you not with him then?”

Kuon tapped the sink. “According to my plan, it’s supposed to be the day we fight and break up for a bit.”

It was all counted and predicted long ago. Every fight, every compliment was calculated. Thankfully, Raichi was predictable. Predictable enough to narrow down to one pattern. Get together - fight - get together. The boy was… scared of staying alone. Scared enough to hold onto someone who didn’t even matter. Someone like Kuon. 

He tapped on the sink again, trying to make out a monotonous melody. Ryusei stared at his fingers in confusion and kept quiet for a while. 

“Hey, Wataru…” Kuon flinched. “Am I calculated too?”

The other paused. There were two options: to lie, or to tell the truth. There was no point in lying to Ryuusei. 

“No. I don’t want to predict you.”

But for some reason, he did anyway. 

Of course, this calculation was different, way too abstract, way too idealistic, but it was still a  _ prediction _ yet he didn’t want to take his time and risk a fight with someone who was truly  _ dear _ to him.

Why did he love Ryuusei?

It was a question too difficult to answer. Him and Raichi were quite similar in most ways: aggressive, always hyped, had no chill whatsoever, Kuon having to pretty much babysit both of them. But something was  _ different _ about Ryuusei. It wouldn’t fit into words, but it was present, it tingled Kuon’s heart and made him want to curl up and never move again. 

Maybe it was because Ryuusei wouldn’t come back. 

Raichi would, Raichi would come back whatever happened, nothing mattered to him as long as he thought he was loved, he was needed. Kuon could hurt him in many ways, and from time to time he did, to support their perfectly average relationship. 

Average relationships have the biggest chance to last the longest. People  _ are _ average by their nature, and they thrive as long as everything is average around them. Normal lives are the healthiest. 

An average relationship is meant to have its ups and downs. Raichi was a fit too good for Kuon, for he didn’t care about himself. Kuon wasn’t a perfect fit for Raichi, though. Raichi needed someone who would care about him. So Kuon, not being that person, had to create the perfect conditions manually. Maybe neither of them were happy, but both continued anyway and wasn’t that a sign it was working? 

However,  _ him and Ryuusei were not the perfect match in any way possible.  _ They didn’t fit at all. Absolutely at all. It was never spoken but they both felt it. Which is why they never got together in the first place. It would be too much.

Yeah, they were in love, but what does that mean to the fatality of fortune?

Fortune doesn’t care about what a specific Kuon or Ryuusei or Raichi want. It draws the dice randomly and doesn’t feel anything at the result, whatever it is. Happiness, sadness, despair, these are all words of the same meaning to it.

So why  _ do _ anything if it doesn’t matter in the end? Why feel if after you die, no one comes up and asks you “On November 20, 2020, you broke up with your boyfriend. What did you feel?”

There is no  _ point _ in hard feelings or big actions. You just have to stay entertained until the very end. 

Kuon kept drumming the melody on the sink. Ryuusei kept watching. It was warm. It was nice and soft and quiet and calming and comforting. It was also kind of scary. Stupid difficult feelings. 

**Raichi: please come home (20:19)**

_ Difficult feelings. _

Kuon clutched his phone in his hand. The calculations are never wrong. It’s for the best. It really is. It’s supposed to be for the best. It’s to keep everyone happy. 

He tapped a few letters, in no particular order. He needed to tap the weird stone in his chest away. Then erased the message. 

A deep breath. Feeling how the lungs grow and then deflate, crashing the painful clogging between them. It’s okay. It’s going to be alright. It has always been. 

He leaned in on the sink and stared at the one who was looking back from the mirror. He hated them. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Ryuusei’s voice always came out of nowhere. It was a good thing, though. Everything about him was a good thing. 

Kuon didn’t reply, examining his reflection. Brown-ish (maroon, actually, but he dyed it, the pomegranate tint looked ugly) hair, grown all the way below his chest, was now falling from a messy ponytail onto his shoulders. Green, almost always closed eyes with no light or life in them whatsoever and the dark circles below that he managed to mix into makeup (the dark eyeshadow was quite nice) which were not coming off for months now. 

_ Pathetic. _

“Wataru?” He was only taken out of the trance when he felt Ryuusei grab his shoulder and shake it a little. He blinked a few times, distracting himself from the mirror. 

“Yeah… I’m just tired.”

“You’re always tired.”

There was no mistake. He was  _ always _ tired, yet there was no way to rest. Life is tiring. 

One way to rest was there. He was not going to try it, though. Most likely. 

He nodded weakly. 

Ryuusei took him home. Kuon stared at the stairs. Three, two, one. He paused. According to his prediction, he was going to enter right now, Raichi would scream and scream and scream and then kick him out, he’d walk back over to Ryuusei’s car and spend a few nights at his place. It was always like that. 

He turned the key and got into the living room quietly. Raichi looked up at him, sitting on the floor with his back against the couch. Kuon stayed quiet, waiting for the show to start. 

Raichi was quiet as well. 

Three, two, one.

Still nothing. Kuon listened to their breathing, so painfully out of sync. 

“Get the fuck out.”

Raichi’s voice cut through the dense quiet. Kuon blinked. Something was wrong. 

_ “Get the fuck out.”  _ Raichi repeated. 

_ Something was, is wrong. The predictions? No, they were always correct. _

Raichi kept on repeating. He wasn’t screaming. No, he was awfully, scaringly quiet. “Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. Get the fuck out.” Kuon felt something turn over in his stomach. No, no, this wasn’t supposed to be happening. 

“What?”

“Get the fuck out. Go wherever.” 

Kuon took a step back. “If… if you say so.” And another step back. And another, until he turned and ran. 

The familiar cold of the night was suddenly crippling, and he grabbed his own shoulders to hide, to protect his lungs and his heart from it. His glance searched for Ryuusei’s car. Not everything was supposed to go against the plan, right?

_ Right? _

The car wasn’t there, however.

Hey, maybe he just drove a bit off to wait. Kuon checked his phone. 

**Ryuusei: not housing you tonight (21:10)**

**Ryuusei: and probably never (21:10)**

**Ryuusei: maybe it's a dick move from me idk idc but i need to think something over ok? (21:11)**

No. This wasn’t real. Kuon reread the messages. And again. And again. And all over again. 

This entire day (night) was wrong. Something went terribly wrong. He felt his breath stop. No, no, it’s just a matter of time. They will both come back. Yeah, yeah they will. Kuon laughed. They will come back. That sounds right. 

_ But why do you want Raichi back? _

No reply. Never will be. 

It was time to start counting steps to home. He grabbed a bag that he didn’t notice on Raichi’s porch upon coming inside but was now almost glowing, forcing one to look at it and open it. His stuff. As expected. Kuon looked for the keys from his apartment. 

His hand came upon something soft and thin, like a piece of paper. 

Raichi’s handwriting was as nice as ever, one of his many talents. 

_ “Your trick didn’t work this time.” _

The trick didn’t work. 

* * *

_ Why did he always end up like this, scattered on the floor, in search of something that wasn’t even real? _

Kuon crawled into the kitchen, barely able, barely wanting to move. Some water was supposed to help. Water fixed many things, actually. Pretty much everything. It is good for one’s health. It could end a life. It started lives. 

He thought into the taste as he took a sip. Sweet, kind of, but it still made him gag. He suppressed the urge to throw up, it’d be too much, too filthy. He already was dirty enough. 

_ Why did Ryuusei leave? Why doesn’t Raichi come back? _

He shook a little, letting out a muffled yelp. No way this was happening to him. Nothing felt right, nothing fit into place as he kept dwelling on the past few months. Why are they not back? The only person he loved and the only person who loved him, now gone and not returning, leaving him alone, one on one with the voices inside. Home was there, in his heart, now painfully empty.

Maybe he was the one with monophobia, after all. 

He couldn’t bear it. The loneliness towered over him, gripping in a poisonous hug. He almost felt the smell of the rotten flesh and covered his mouth with his palm, shaking. Tears pooling in his eyes finally streamed down the face, dripping on the counter, mixing with the spilled water, staining a note in pretty handwriting. “Your trick didn’t work this time.”

What is the point in living, if the most terrifying thing to you is there, right by your side all the time? 

_ What is the point? _

Sleepy… he suddenly felt awfully dizzy as he dropped on his knees and listened to the glass shatter, coming into contact with the floor. He knew he couldn’t fall asleep. Kuon picked up a smithereen. Sharp. One wrong move - and there is blood everywhere. He pondered.

One precise movement, and he yells in pain as his ankle is sliced and blood is dripping on the floor from the wound. No, dying like this would be too painful. He dislikes pain. 

Bearing with the pulsating aching, he got up and halted to his first aid kit. Bandages, band-aids, sleeping pills… sleeping pills. He fidgeted with the package. “Do not mix with alcohol, this may result in a lethal outcome.” Lethal outcome. Lethal outcome… the words echoed in his mind, leaving a sweet scent. A lethal outcome. He paused. Waited for something. And burst into laughing.

He laughed until there was no room for anything but the giggles and unhealthy inhales. It was such a funny coincidence how he had more than enough alcohol.

Glasses are a social construct, he thought as he opened a new, celebratory bottle and took a sip. The taste burned and tingled his tongue, warming the room up suddenly. He smiled. Now it was the pills.

How much will be enough? Did it matter? He grabbed a handful and looked outside the window, the sky raven black, with only the moon lighting it up. It was lonely too.

The last moments felt nice. He was suddenly not alone.

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry. go punch me on @enbyeita on twt im really sorry.


End file.
